The Army of the Lord
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door
as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't "see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
It's in the Bible
There was a religious lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business, so she did a lot of flying.
Flying made her very, very nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her to read as it helped relax her on the long flights.
One time, she was sitting next to a man.
When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and smirk and went back to what he was doing.
After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"
The lady replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible."
He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?"
She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible."
He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"
The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him."
"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.
"Then you can ask him," replied the lady.
The Cowboy in Church
One Sunday a cowboy went to church.
When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present.
The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.
The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him."
So the minister began his sermon.
One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours.
The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon.
The cowboy answered slowly,
"Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay."
A Sure Cure
Three Pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner.
One said "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church.
I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away.
Another said "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the narthex attic.
I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away."
The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church...
Haven't seen one back since!!!"
Three Hymns
One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the
people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the
most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a
$1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and
said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
And there sat our Rosie all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to
the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so
much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in
the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him!"
ALL Authors Unknown...
Have a beautiful, BLESSED rest of the day, and night! MUCH LOVE, and KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON in the name of OUR LORD, *GOD*!!!
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